


Help me believe it's not the real me

by justelaura



Series: The path of healing [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Post 3a, TW: Mention of death, aaaaaangst, but also ends with a hopeful note, healing after a trauma, i'm a weak sapphic so my fics always end well, shsapphicficathon, this is not your destruction, tw: guilt, tw: mention of murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:27:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justelaura/pseuds/justelaura
Summary: Sam tried to put her hand on Ollie's shoulder, but Ollie stepped back. Ignoring the way her heart ached, Sam tried to reason her girlfriend again.“This is not your fault. This wasn’t you.”Ollie clenched her fists. “Every time I close my eyes, every time I allow myself to get some rest, I see the same picture in my head. Your dead body at my feet.”
Relationships: Ollie/Samantha (Shadowhunters TV)
Series: The path of healing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1600183
Comments: 7
Kudos: 9
Collections: shadowhunters sapphic ficathon, shadowhunters sapphic library





	Help me believe it's not the real me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! This is my first participation for the shadowhunters sapphic ficathon! And the prompt is: this is not your destruction  
> (I also had another angsty idea for this prompt but I'm keeping it for later!) 
> 
> I've been wanting to write this fic for ages!! I'm so glad this prompt gave me the motivation to finally write it! 
> 
> As usual, here's the trigger warnings! 
> 
> * mention of murder and death: ollie mentions the murder of her mother and suggests she could have killed Sam
> 
> * dealing with a trauma 
> 
> * guilt: ollie feels extremely guilty for what happened and she blames herself a lot

> _I can't escape this hell_
> 
> _So many times I've tried_
> 
> _But I'm still caged inside_
> 
> _Somebody get me through this nightmare_
> 
> _I can't control myself_
> 
> _Animal I have become, Three Days Grace_

Sam woke up in an empty bed. Again. She sighed.

It's been a week since Ollie came back to her senses and Luke put her and Sam in some kind of witness protection program. He said it was temporary, he just needed a few days to find a way to erase all the clues incriminating Ollie. Sam didn't mind staying hidden for a week or two, Ollie wasn't ready to go outside anyway. She couldn't face anyone. Not yet.

Sam looked at her phone to check what time it was. 4 am.

She left the bed and went in the living room, knowing Ollie would be here. That's where she was spending most of her nights, standing in front of one of the windows and looking at the night, eyes lost in the distance.

Ollie definitely heard Sam coming, but she didn't move nor turn toward her. Sam was getting used to it by now. Every time Sam tried to reach her girlfriend, the latter stayed silent and Sam had no other choice than coming back to sleep. Despite her unsuccessful tries, she persisted to repeat the same pattern every night. She would break whatever wall Ollie built around her. She would not leave her. Not this time.

Sam cleared her throat, announcing her presence even if it was useless.

“Luke calls every day asking about you.”

Ollie didn’t answer.

“ And you know why he’s calling me?”

Still no answer.

“Because you refuse to acknowledge his calls and worried texts. Just talk to him. He cares about you, he's your friend.”

Ollie flinched at the word friend, but that was the only reaction she had.

 _Well, at least that's something,_ Sam thought. She came closer and Ollie seemed a little more tense.

Sam frowned. “I'm not afraid of you.” Her voice was gentle, reassuring.

“You should be,” Ollie finally talked and Sam couldn't hide her surprise. “I gave you every reason to run away from me, to leave me. I wouldn't blame you if you did.”

“I won't leave you.”

Sam tried to put her hand on Ollie's shoulder, but Ollie stepped back. Ignoring the way her heart ached, Sam tried to reason her girlfriend again.

“This is not your fault. This wasn’t you.”

Ollie clenched her fists. “Every time I close my eyes, every time I allow myself to get some rest, I see the same picture in my head. Your dead body at my feet.”

Her voice remained calm but internally she was screaming. She wanted to yell. She needed it, after being silenced and imprisoned in her own body. She wanted to yell, but she couldn't. She felt so empty. She was supposed to be herself again, but she just didn't know who that person was. Was it true? Was she finally back to normal? But if that was true, when would the nightmares end? When would the guilt end?

She inhaled sharply. She refused to look at Sam.

“I could have killed you.”

This was the truth. They both knew it. Ollie had no control at that time, she would have eliminated Sam if she was standing in the way. Ollie could still hear the demon's voice. _So, which one of your loved ones are we going to sacrifice for my mother?_ She could still feel the cold, the void, the burn. She could still remember everything.

“I would have killed you.” Her voice was weak now, unsure, ready to break at any moment.

Sam made one step in her direction. “But you didn’t.”

Ollie let out a sarcastic laugh which sounded more like a sob. Her hands were shaking now. “I killed my mom instead.”

“Not you,” Sam corrected “The demon possessing you.”

“How does that make a difference? At the end of the day, I was the one with blood on my hands. I let this happen. How could I let this happen?”

She had tears on her cheek. She could feel them rolling down and hiding in her neck. _Feel. I tried so hard to feel something, I fought so hard to regain control, but now I don't want any of these. I wish I could stop feeling again._

She shook her head _. Focus._ She couldn't lose control again _. Stay focused._ She breathed _. Who knows if the demon is really gone._ She exhaled _. It is gone._ She breathed again. _It is?_ She took her head in her hands. _Maybe it just waits for me to give up and it'll make me kill again._ She couldn't lose control again. _I'm not strong enough._ Her legs gave up and she went on her knees, unable to compose herself.

“I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I tried. I tried so hard, but I was weak.”

Sam followed her on the floor and put her hands on Ollie's cheeks, erasing the tears with her fingers. Her touch was warm, reassuring, comforting. _I don't deserve comfort._

“You're not weak. Ollie, we're not like them. We're not werewolves, vampires or even shadowhunters. We don't have powers or supernatural abilities. We're human. We don't have anything to protect ourselves from demons. I know you did everything you could. There's nothing you could have done. Please don't blame yourself.”

Ollie shook her head. “I did this. I was involved in all of this.” _It's my fault_.

“This wasn’t your doing. Lilith wanted to destroy everything and she used you as her pawn. You didn’t destroy anything. This was her work. This was her destruction, not yours.”

Gently, Sam applied a little pressure under Ollie's chin with her thumb to make her lift up her face.

“Look at me, please.” She whispered.

Ollie obeyed and finally met the eyes of the woman she loved.

“This was not your destruction,” Sam repeated.

Ollie looked distraught by these words like she didn't fully believe them. Sam pressed their foreheads together.

“You didn't want any of that to happen. You're a good person, Ollie.”

She was indeed. That was exactly the reason why the demon chose her. Because she had a pure soul. Oh, the sweet irony. Now her soul was destroyed, forever darkened by the awful actions she had done when she was possessed.

“I am not good anymore.” The tears were back.

“You are. You are not the monster you think you are. Not to me. You are still the woman I fell in love with. The one I want to spend every day of my life with.”

Sam opened her arms and Ollie took refuge in her embrace.

“I don't deserve you,” Ollie whispered, burying her face in Sam's neck.

Sam hugged her tightly. “Of course you do. No matter what you think, you are worthy of love Ollie.”

“I love you.”

Sam deeply inhaled and closed her eyes. “I love you too.”

It will take time, but they’ll heal. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> If you enjoyed, don't forget to let a comment and/or a kudo :)
> 
> You can find me on twitter ! (@Onceuponavideo1)  
> 


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